Mourning

I have lost a good friend today, and I'm having a lot of different emotions.

Guilt - I hadn't seen her very often, and not since before the holidays. I found out a few weeks ago that she had been diagnosed with lymphoma. I was going to call, see if I could do anything, but knew she would be surrounded by kids and family. I decided to wait until she came home. She never made it home. Her spleen was removed on Monday, they say it was the size of a football. She went back into surgery in the middle of the night to stop some internal bleeding. Apparently, she went into cardiac arrest during the surgery. Long story short, she never really woke up. Thursday afternoon, her family made the difficult and heartbreaking decision to take her off the ventilator. She passed peacefully. I know how hard that decision is - I've had to do it myself.

Sadness - she was a good friend, and we're all going to miss her alot. We were the same age, and back in 1994 we started working at the same place at almost the same time. She came and went a couple of times, but we kept in touch in the meantime.

Fear - it can happen to anyone, at any time. We're both 52. My own mother died at age 46, also of cancer. It is predominant in her side of the family. I sometimes feel it is a given. I just don't know when, or which form it will take.

Grateful - for her. She didn't have to go through months, or years of treatment and suffering. Sometimes I think the treatment is worse than the disease. I have seen it firsthand, too many times. The pain, fear, and indignity can be horrible.

Empathy - for her husband and family. She has only been married to this man for a few years. She had lost her previous husband to a terrible cancer. Her kids have already been through a lot. They're young, and all have young children. It's hard to lose your grandparents at so young an age.

I'm waiting to hear about arrangements. I had knit her a pair of handmade socks, and never got to give them to her. I think I will take them along, and either give them to her daughters, or to another close friend, who went through this with her.

And so to bed. I can think about this more tomorrow.

Sadness

Great. Apparently I'm too dumb to even have a blog. I just poured my heart out, and it all got deleted.

Apparently the antidepressants have worn off. I stopped taking them about a month ago, and now I can cry again. Maybe a good thing, maybe a bad thing. I've been crying all afternoon. First, my sister let me know that I don't consider things she wants done to be important enough. They don't get done soon enough to suit her. I guess dropping whatever I'm doing to do something she needs done, is good enough. Like - wiping her butt, pulling up her pants, watching something on TV she deems important, letting out her dogs, or getting her a drink or food. She has all kinds of plans going on in her head, and because she can't do them, they are supposed to be of utmost importance to me. Now she is on a snit about a computer. Actually, she has been on it for a while. Well, it's on its way. We ordered it Saturday from Best Buy, and it shipped. Now I'll have to spend hours with her trying to explain it. Maybe not. Maybe it will come on Wednesday, and we're going away for Thursday and Friday, and she can use her learning to use the internet visually book.

My kids are another reason I'm upset. Things that are important to me are silly to them. So, they ignore it. Things I try to do for them aren't good enough, aren't important enough, and don't matter. I've been told in no uncertain terms that I don't need to do anything for the wedding. I guess we'll just show up and do as we're told. Like usual.

Can't wait for Thursday. We get to see the grandchildren, and actually spend time alone with the youngest for the first time. She's only 20 months old after all. We never got to really spend any time alone with the older one until she was almost 3. We stayed with her while her mom was in the hospital having the baby.

Unemployment

The job is definitely gone. I have started working with a friend who sells insurance. We used to work together, but stopped about 2 1/2 years ago. I am trying to do her customer service, but it is quite a mess. Her daughter-in-law was supposedly "helping" her. So much didn't get done that should have, it's taking a while to get it caught up. It's kind of nice - I can do most of it from home.

Last week we went to visit the son, dil, and granddaughters. We went to the state fair and the zoo. We love spending time with the girls. Everything is so new and fun for them.

They just got a new laptop with a camera and microphone, and so did we. We set up skype, but really haven't used it yet. I can't wait to get the oldest gdaughter to talk to us on it.

Break is over - back to work!

Well, evidently no one has found my blog, yet. Maybe they can't. I don't know what I'm doing, so maybe I'm the only one who can read it.

I just had to stop and help my sister "fix" her pj pants. She can't seem to pull them up straight.

In my first post, I spoke about my kids. I'm kind of upset with them. They don't seem to take much interest in what goes on around here. I know they are all grown up, and have their own lives goin' on, but it would be nice to feel loved and appreciated.

I have asked them to chip in ( it would be 5 ways) for a vacation for my husband and myself. It would be 5 ways because it would include my niece. It is her mom that lives with us. I had wanted to attend a knitting retreat in August, but they blew that. It sold out in minutes, crashing the server that was being used for registration. Over 30,000 knitters tried to sign up. Now, I think it would be nice to get away to anywhere. Maybe the Carolinas in September, or a cruise.

We have paid for everyone of them to go to Washington DC as 8th graders. We have also paid for our youngest son to go to Australia while in high school. We have also paid the bulk of the expense for 2 family vacations since our son got married. I think it's their turn, especially since my job is going away. I am currently only being scheduled 4 hours per week, when I used to work 40.

Well, I'm not holding my breath. It would definitely be nice, though.

Hello!

I don't know if anyone will be interested in reading anything about my life, but I need a place to vent a bit.

A little about me -
I was born in Chicago, but have lived in rural Indiana for the last 34 years. I met a farmer in college and moved to his home area. We have been married almost 32 years, and have 4 grown children. We were empty nesters until 2 years ago when my disable sister moved in with us. She was living in another state, and couldn't live alone anymore. So, we lost 2 bedrooms, and gained her and her pets. Yippee!!!

I sound bitter, but I'm not really. I promised my father on his deathbed that I would make sure she was okay.

Our children are 30, 28, 26, and 24. One is married and has two little girls, and one is engaged. I am very proud of all my children, but at times they make me crazy. They have all graduated with bachelor's degrees, one has finished his master's and just started his Ph.D, and another has started his master's. Two of them live in Indiana, and the other two live 800 and 1200 miles away.

I don't want this to be a downer for anyone reading it, but I have some things I need to get off my chest, as well as some decisions to make I could use some opinions on.

That's all I can write for now. More to come!